Sometimes, on days like today, I feel confused.
I’ve always believed that environment plays a humongous role in how we turn out to be, way more than our genes. Nurture beats nature in my book.
And at the end of the day, the truth is that most women in Egypt have been raised to think that marriage and babies and home are their lot in life, and that unless you have the hubby and kids—regardless of what kind of wife or mother you are—then your life hasn’t really started, and you’ll never really be successful.
So on a day like today, when I really really hate my job, and I’ve just received news from one friend that she’s getting engaged and from another that she’s giving birth today, all I want to do is crawl under my blanket, watch old episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer, and drink an oreo milkshake.
On days when I’m tired of work, I can’t seem to stop–no matter how hard I reprimand myself–the following thought from forming: “why are you doing this? putting yourself through all this hassle when you don’t need to? Why can’t you live a life of leisure since you can, and spend your life socializing so you can find a husband?”
I know, it’s revolting.
And then while browsing my friends’ links, I came across this post by Wandering Scarab that just depressed the hell out of me, especially this bit:
Freedom comes with responsibilities. And these women want the freedom without the responsibilities. They don’t really want to be equals. How many of them believe that it’s a man’s responsibility to solely provide before and after marriage, whereas it’s optional for women? How many of them believe that it’s okay to work within the confines of the prison that they have created for themselves? How many of them believe that they have the right to manipulate men? How many of them believe that women should be able to choose their line of work freely, but at the same time believe that there should be special conditions for women who need to go home early so they don’t walk home late at night? How many of them believe that a women is entitled to a good home and money that is to be supplied by the husband?
Deep deep down, so deep I don’t even realize it sometimes, I believe that women should work only if a) they need the money b) they’re providing something to their communities c) they love it and it doesn’t stop them being attentive wives and mothers. And at the same time, I believe men should still provide fully for their wives. My conditioning, not matter how much I want to believe otherwise–that both men and women should contribute to the household–is what it is.
I make more than enough money to live on comfortably, elhamdulela. And yet I’m not at all perturbed that my father pays all my bills, down to the coffee I drink in the morning, and the gum I get from the kiosk. I still get pocket money. I’ve never really felt the desire to be “independent” and to “live alone.”
So here’s the confusion: If I believe that my husband is the one who has to pay all the bills, and would never marry a guy who says he wants me to contribute to the household (if he doesn’t need my help) then how can I, simultaneously, say that the guy I marry has to let me work? If I tell him you can’t stay home, doesn’t that mean he has the right to tell me you have to stay at home?
And if I’m not willing to accept any of the drawbacks of being independent (ie paying your own way for everything) then do I have the right to say I want the benefits? Like going out when I like, doing what I like, working where I like, etc? Wandering Scarab tells me:
This is not equality. This is special treatment. Women do not deserve better but are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, and that includes all the responsibilities that are an extension of those rights.
One of my favorite Arabic books is The Open Door by Latifa Al-Zayyat, a story of Laila, the Egyptian girl living in a post-revolution Egypt and struggling to abide by society’s rule while at the same time rebelling against them. I identified so much with Laila. Wandering Scarab quotes a friend as saying:
Laila is an emotional , timid, young girl who is restive under society’s heavy-handed control, yet dreads being called defiant or recalcitrant. She will talk the talk, and will be content with limited success. I think she seeks relief and some measure of change but nothing audacious or earth shattering. Dont expect her to take drastic measures or to reinvent herself. The risks and costs are too great for her to do that. Yes, she is emotionally and socially stunted, and will produce another generation of slightly less stunted daughters. Change will not come at an exponential rate.
I found myself nodding here. It’s harsh, but it’s the truth.
Here’s my truth: I do a lot of stuff. I work the job I want to work. I’ve traveled to at least a dozen countries this year. On my own. I come and go as I like. And yet I do not want the responsibilities of being independent. I like coming home and not having to cook or clean. I like the fact that I buy and shop and travel and eat out without paying anything myself. I live a great life, elhamdulela.
But I know that I only do all this because my parents permit me to do everything. They have given me the freedom. What if tomorrow my dad tells me I don’t want you to work anymore? Or I forbid you from traveling? The truth is, I’m not going to rebel. Or move out, though I can.
A big part of it is because of society: Although I enjoy stretching the boundaries, I still follow the rules. (ex I don’t stay out late). It stifles me sometimes, but I work around them. But a bigger part of why I won’t rebel is because of my faith.
I hate that saying I’m not going to rebel and I’m going to stick to the hand I’ve been dealt in life somehow makes me seem weak. Or old-fashioned. Like you have to be all rebellious and feminist whatnot, and if you’re not then you’re obviously living in the past/ submissive/ controlled/ brainwashed etc.
What is so wrong in believing men and women are different? Why do we have to be superwomen? In every facet of life, division of labor and specialization is considered a great thing. But not when it comes to marriage or working/ raising kids.
I think equality is overrated. I’s much rather have special treatment.
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