Sometimes, on days like today, I feel confused.
I’ve always believed that environment plays a humongous role in how we turn out to be, way more than our genes. Nurture beats nature in my book.
And at the end of the day, the truth is that most women in Egypt have been raised to think that marriage and babies and home are their lot in life, and that unless you have the hubby and kids—regardless of what kind of wife or mother you are—then your life hasn’t really started, and you’ll never really be successful.
So on a day like today, when I really really hate my job, and I’ve just received news from one friend that she’s getting engaged and from another that she’s giving birth today, all I want to do is crawl under my blanket, watch old episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer, and drink an oreo milkshake.
On days when I’m tired of work, I can’t seem to stop–no matter how hard I reprimand myself–the following thought from forming: “why are you doing this? putting yourself through all this hassle when you don’t need to? Why can’t you live a life of leisure since you can, and spend your life socializing so you can find a husband?”
I know, it’s revolting.
And then while browsing my friends’ links, I came across this post by Wandering Scarab that just depressed the hell out of me, especially this bit:
Freedom comes with responsibilities. And these women want the freedom without the responsibilities. They don’t really want to be equals. How many of them believe that it’s a man’s responsibility to solely provide before and after marriage, whereas it’s optional for women? How many of them believe that it’s okay to work within the confines of the prison that they have created for themselves? How many of them believe that they have the right to manipulate men? How many of them believe that women should be able to choose their line of work freely, but at the same time believe that there should be special conditions for women who need to go home early so they don’t walk home late at night? How many of them believe that a women is entitled to a good home and money that is to be supplied by the husband?
Deep deep down, so deep I don’t even realize it sometimes, I believe that women should work only if a) they need the money b) they’re providing something to their communities c) they love it and it doesn’t stop them being attentive wives and mothers. And at the same time, I believe men should still provide fully for their wives. My conditioning, not matter how much I want to believe otherwise–that both men and women should contribute to the household–is what it is.
I make more than enough money to live on comfortably, elhamdulela. And yet I’m not at all perturbed that my father pays all my bills, down to the coffee I drink in the morning, and the gum I get from the kiosk. I still get pocket money. I’ve never really felt the desire to be “independent” and to “live alone.”
So here’s the confusion: If I believe that my husband is the one who has to pay all the bills, and would never marry a guy who says he wants me to contribute to the household (if he doesn’t need my help) then how can I, simultaneously, say that the guy I marry has to let me work? If I tell him you can’t stay home, doesn’t that mean he has the right to tell me you have to stay at home?
And if I’m not willing to accept any of the drawbacks of being independent (ie paying your own way for everything) then do I have the right to say I want the benefits? Like going out when I like, doing what I like, working where I like, etc? Wandering Scarab tells me:
This is not equality. This is special treatment. Women do not deserve better but are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, and that includes all the responsibilities that are an extension of those rights.
One of my favorite Arabic books is The Open Door by Latifa Al-Zayyat, a story of Laila, the Egyptian girl living in a post-revolution Egypt and struggling to abide by society’s rule while at the same time rebelling against them. I identified so much with Laila. Wandering Scarab quotes a friend as saying:
Laila is an emotional , timid, young girl who is restive under society’s heavy-handed control, yet dreads being called defiant or recalcitrant. She will talk the talk, and will be content with limited success. I think she seeks relief and some measure of change but nothing audacious or earth shattering. Dont expect her to take drastic measures or to reinvent herself. The risks and costs are too great for her to do that. Yes, she is emotionally and socially stunted, and will produce another generation of slightly less stunted daughters. Change will not come at an exponential rate.
I found myself nodding here. It’s harsh, but it’s the truth.
Here’s my truth: I do a lot of stuff. I work the job I want to work. I’ve traveled to at least a dozen countries this year. On my own. I come and go as I like. And yet I do not want the responsibilities of being independent. I like coming home and not having to cook or clean. I like the fact that I buy and shop and travel and eat out without paying anything myself. I live a great life, elhamdulela.
But I know that I only do all this because my parents permit me to do everything. They have given me the freedom. What if tomorrow my dad tells me I don’t want you to work anymore? Or I forbid you from traveling? The truth is, I’m not going to rebel. Or move out, though I can.
A big part of it is because of society: Although I enjoy stretching the boundaries, I still follow the rules. (ex I don’t stay out late). It stifles me sometimes, but I work around them. But a bigger part of why I won’t rebel is because of my faith.
I hate that saying I’m not going to rebel and I’m going to stick to the hand I’ve been dealt in life somehow makes me seem weak. Or old-fashioned. Like you have to be all rebellious and feminist whatnot, and if you’re not then you’re obviously living in the past/ submissive/ controlled/ brainwashed etc.
What is so wrong in believing men and women are different? Why do we have to be superwomen? In every facet of life, division of labor and specialization is considered a great thing. But not when it comes to marriage or working/ raising kids.
I think equality is overrated. I’s much rather have special treatment.
indeed equality is overrated and i would also rather have special treatment:)
what iam curious about is why you think you cant have the upsides of indipendance (ie, doing your thing, which your parents permit you to do) without the downside of inderpendance such as paying your way, cooking,cleaning etc etc.
from your writings you seem to come from an elite group of egyptians with parents that have permitted you to do your thing, such as traveling which the parents of most egyptian girls would not permit. My point is that your not a normal egyptian girl, you are a fabulous egyptian girl, so i belive that you can and should expect special treatment what with your upbringing and intelligence, mashaAllah:)
i mean whats the point in being fabulous if your not to get fabulous treatment from your husband to be.
in my eyes mariage is a deal, whereby you both set out your expectations to each other (before marrage) , and if 1/both person/s cannot meet the other persons expectations then for the love of God they should not marry that person. Simple.
btw is good to have you back:)
look..
first of all you are mixing two things together, being independant and being irresponsible (as in having no commitments or responsibilities)
whether ur husband spends on u or not, marraige is all about having responsibilities
its funny to me that we accept the responsibilities of our jobs without feeling its a lose of independence , but we cant look at marriage using the same perspective
and before u say it, the option for quitting is there for both of them
secondly,
when a man and a woman agree to get married, both choose to give up part of their independence.. not all of it
society likes to condition us that only the woman does, which is not true
on the other hand, marriage is not enslavement…
he will be obliged to vend for you because you are obliged to carry and care for the fruit of your marriage, your children.
and believe me, he will be the wining party in this bargain.
marriage is not solely a union of interests, its a relationsship between two human beings, who need to cater for each other’s feeling and circumstances.
they need to care for each other
they need to emotionally engage with each other and sacrefice to each other
when that happens, money matter becomes of no value…
who spends should be the last thing a couple think off
i know this is not the case in reality most of the time, not in the east not in the west… but who says that any of them are actually getting things right?
i personally look at both, study both , pick from both, hate some of both
*looking at scarab*
at the end of the day, there can be no law about what really works, because no human is like other, no couple is like other
you have to go through your own experience with an open mind, the possibility of fail is there, but the prospects of learning and succeeding is viable too…
Bah. Equality is overrated. If a man loves a woman, he will let her choose if she wants to work but never force her. In the US, most women have to work to support themselves, their children, or their whole families. We entertain the idea of having a grand lifestyle with $600,000 houses, boats, cars, but the truth is there are very few people here who can truly afford it. As a result, the wife/mother HAS to go to work to help make the payments on these things. This in turn causes the whole family to go sour, because when the mom isn’t home to take care of things and take care of herself, everyone suffers.
Men in the US have it all wrong, thinking women should be required to work, but it is because of the feminist movement and women demanding equality. I, for one, am all for special treatment. Yeah, I’m a girl… that means I want my man to take care of me. My Tofi told me once that he never wanted me to work unless I wanted to, because I am his responsibility. Actually, he said “resbonsipility”
He encouraged me to finish college but only if it was what *I* wanted to do. I admit I like that thought. I like the idea of someone taking care of me and all I have to worry about is the home, the children, and the things I want to worry about. It means I will have time to clean the house, go to the gym, take a long bath, take my time making sure my hair and makeup look pretty, read a book or do something else I enjoy, cook a delicious meal for my husband and still have the energy to keep us both happy afterwards. Those things are important to a man, NOT having a nasty-looking wife and a dirty house just to have a fatter wallet.
In conclusion: Work if you want to! You have been blessed to have a privileged life and are able to make choices many women in your part of the world are not allowed to make. Enjoy yourself while you can, and if you want to work, by all means work!
it seems like a question of ambition. what is it you’re really burning to do? your ultimate goal, that which can not be compromised? think about what that is and be true to it.
the way it sounds is that this ultimate goal for you is having a family, and having it on your own terms not society’s. Great stuff, important to know what you really want to be able to go after it.
But, if this is your personal ambition, then it doesn’t become a feminist issue. Not all women want children or families, and of course the opposite is also true. “what women want” is a myth. there is no “women”, it varies from individual to individual.
In the end, equality and independence are only necessary to accommodate different ambitions.
hello there, firstly i would like to start off by saying how much i love your blog, its really nice, expressive and entertaining. Secondly my comment might not be as deep as the other comments above, however its simple. I think that by reading your blog i got to know the type of person that is like me in soo many ways. My answer might be shallow or steryotyped but here it goes…..you need a rich khalegee man. Before you get all pissed and elabrotive let me explain. I said rich since you’re rich and who are we kidding marrying a poor guy will affect your life in so many ways, for him to be rich is important since you will be sharing the same social lifestyle that you do now. And when i mentioned khalegee well i’m going to generalize here, but they’re the type of men that are intreged by a sophisticated, intellectual, smart women like yourself. They are the type of men that like their women to work and have her own thing. I’m not khalegee myself but i’ve meg saudi and emarati men before and they were really nice and had the qualifications of them man’i’ want.ofcourse not all of them are like that but they are very possible to find( i know it sounds like im looking for a jacket) , and in top of all that they are good muslims and will respect therewomen in relation to there religon, and a women to them isnt to show around but shes to be loved and taken care off. I really hope you find the man thats right for you. You are suppose togive up some of your freedom when you get married because it stops being about ‘you’ and becomes ‘Both of You’ . Best of luck
mind the spelling mistakes.
What does “khalegee” mean?
a man from the gulf, ex: saudi, emarati, kuwaiti etc….
if there were “special treatment” for women centuries ago, would the word “equality” even exist?
Ok, so when I wrote this I wasn’t in the most articulate mood. So let me try and answer your questions:
@nini: Getting the upside of independence without the downside seems kind of unfair. I’d feel bad about it. But if I find that amazing guy, I’ll do my best to get over those feelings!
@ tas: I agree that marriage means responsibility, and definitely that it’s strange “we accept the responsibilities of our jobs without feeling its a lose of independence, but […] cant look at marriage using the same perspective.”
But I disagree that being a breadwinner is more difficult than raising children properly–both roles are equally important. It’s because it’s thought that getting the money is harder than raising kids that you have women in their 40s feeling useless once their kids grow up, with their husbands telling them “you’ve done nothing.”
@Mandy: Will do!
@Mirna: The thing is, I’ve already reached the majority of my career goals so far. It’s not that career is a priority over marriage, but that I’ve accomplished my goals at this period of my life.
@meme: I so would not work with a khaleejy! I agree with you that as shallow as it sounds I probably would not work well with someone who was financially much worse off. But, and here I’m stereotyping: Gulf mentality is much like Egyptian mentality—only made worse by having money! And religious interpretation is one of two extremes: religious in the worst way/ not religious at all.
@nur: good question!