The Guy

I met a guy yesterday.

A really good, interesting guy. Not handsome, but not ugly. Religious but not overly so, smart, hardworking, very successful, loves his family, loves his country, helps out in the community, masculine, and didn’t seem intimidated by me. And as gold-diggery as this sounds, he’s also of a really good family–both social class and financial wise.

But here’s the deal: He’s 12 years older than I am. More than a decade.

That means he’s mature, which is good because I find most guys my age child-like. He’s actually one of the very few guys I’ve met (who aren’t my father’s generation) who I actually felt impressed by. Being in his 30’s means he’s serious about settling down, and isn’t just looking for a relationship.

But even though he keeps reiterating that age is nothing but a number, that he feels young at heart, it’s still scary. When I’m 28, he’ll be 40. That’s crazy.

A decade older means he knows exactly what he wants from his life. He already has everything planned out and I’m going to be slotted into his life. He won’t be up for trying new things, because he knows by now what he likes. I’m still in an exploring phase of life. He wants to settle down and have a bushel of kids. I want to travel, roam the world, try new things, be spontaneous. I’m extremely active in my life, and he seems to be the kind that likes to stay home with ‘the family.’ Will he have the energy to keep up with me?

Plus, his age isn’t as big a deal as the fact that I’m afraid he might come from a different generation. There are some people who are old, but act quite young. And vice versa. But even though he says he feels he’s’ young, I got the feeling that he was someone who is set in his ways and doesn’t like to try new things. How?

With the scariest facts of all: He can’t use a computer, and he barely speaks English.

Now, I know that makes me sound like the biggest snob in the world. But I’m afraid that those two facts are indicative of greater things. People in their 30’s are born in a time before a lot of major changes that happened in Egypt (ex internet, English, women working, etc) They had two options: either to stick with their parent’s generation or adapt and go with the flow. But he decided not to.

And if you’re not willing to learn new things, then are you really set in the past? How can you not know how to use a computer? My mother knows how to use one. How can you not read news online, read blogs, facebook, digg, anything? How can you not speak English? It’s almost a necessity in the world today. My education is one of the things that make me so different from other Egyptian women my age. And it’s something he didn’t get. He graduated from a so-so college.

So I’m afraid his age and lack of English skills will put us on different levels, and not only won’t he get cultural references, but depending on his personality it might really piss him off when I speak English. And I speak a lot of English–my English is, sadly, better than my Arabic. There’s already going to be a disconnect in our tastes because of the age difference, and it’s going to be made worse by the English barrier. He comes from a different background, went to completely different schools. I’m afraid that his upbringing is the one I hate: that makes boys into men, but into oriental, ‘share’y‘ (eastern) men who are da’a adeema (old fashioned). The kind who doesn’t think his ‘woman’ should be driving alone late, staying out past 10. But all this is pure speculation, of course. I don’t even know him yet. All this I got from a two hour conversation.

But let me admit something: he intimidates me somewhat.

Which is something not a lot of men can do. He’s just so sure of himself. The phrase in Arabic is ‘maly markazo,’ fulfilling his position. Something in me tells me that this is not a man I can control. This is a man who is used to being in control, getting his own way, and doing what he likes. And he’s never been married so I’m guessing he’s never had to compromise. Rather than worrying about whether he’ll keep up with me, I’m actually asking myself the question: will he ‘allow’ me do the stuff I do? I casually mentioned that I’ve traveled quite often on my own and he said my dad must be amazing to let me travel ‘alone.’ Plus, the sad thing is, even if he does ‘allow’ me to work, have my own life, etc, he doesn’t seem like the kind who would support and appreciate a woman working. He seems like he’d prefer a woman to stay at home, and would tolerate her working.

But the question is: can you have someone who knows exactly what he wants in this life, who’s mature and confident and successful, who doesn‘t have a very strong character? I think success and passivity are mutually exclusive characteristics.

I’m scared because I have a very strong character. I don’t submit and I would rather stay single for ever than marry someone who is interested in ‘controlling me,’ jealous, possessive, old-fashioned, and dictator-like. But I also hate wishy-washy guys. Guys who are content to take the back seat and let the woman do everything. I was in a relationship like that before and I thought I loved it in the beginning but then a couple of months later I couldn’t stand his indecisiveness and lack of forward-thinking.

I’ve decided that this guy has enough potential to see again. Besm Allah.