Ah, the post I’ve been promising for weeks. Well, here goes nothing. Here’s my list of reasons, organized more or less in order of importance.
I’m not married because:
In Egypt, marriage is a one-shot thing.
Unfortunate, but true. Once married, Egyptian women usually become totally dependent on their husbands. The husbands then either resent their wives for ‘taking and taking’ or milk them for all they’re worth (i.e. I buy everything so I can do what I want). And if said husband turns out to be a complete ass a couple of years down the line, they women are stuck because of course no one believes in contraception and they have two kids. Suck it up.
And even if they don’t have kids, marriage is such a hassle–so much is invested into it (time, effort, family involvement, money), that it’s really annoying to do more than once.
Plus, a divorced Egyptian woman = leper. Good luck on ever getting married again, unless it’s to a penniless dude or a guy 20 years your senior.
Understandably, I’m very picky.
Really not something I want to do more than once. I’m not settling. Not at all. From what I’ve seen, marriage isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be so why should I settle? And so far, no guy I’ve met/ known has measured up to my expectations, which (sad as it is to admit) I’ve written on an A4 piece of paper torn from a notebook many years ago. In a nutshell, the guy I’m looking for is: religious in the best way possible, oklooking, smart, well-educated, good family, similar social background, loves new experiences/ travel, ambitious, loves his job, calm, good relationship with his family, optimistic outlook on life, comfortable with who he is.
Window Dressing is very important.
It’s just the way things are. In Egypt, you “marry a family, not a spouse,” and the family helps a lot in getting the couple started in their life. That means the families have to be compatible too: education, social background etc. Which narrows down the playing field a lot, considering my family is considered one of the ‘elites.’ (Whether we are or not is another story).
I’m a millionaire.
As in me personally, and not just my family. Sure, it’s my dad’s money, but it’s all in my name, personal account, money he can’t touch etc. Something I have not shared with anyone outside of my immediate family, not even my closest friends. But not something you can hide from a spouse, and unless he’s one of a kind, woman having more money than her hubby tends to irritate a lot of men.
But, I’m actually religious.
And it’s actually very very very hard to find someone who shares my social background (that doesn’t even mean finance-wise, just a guy who’s been to the same schools/ family “name” etc) and isn’t a wannabe western who is basically a spoiled boy. Lots of money translates as BMWs at 16, pimps and hos parties, label whore, etc. As an adult, that translates into wanting arm candy, judging women based on their looks, their dress etc. It may be surprising to hear, but rich Egyptian men don’t usually want to marry veiled women.
At the same time, religion for me doesn’t mean pray, fast, etc. That’s just the first level. Spirituality and character is way more important. If he doesn’t know what tazkeya is, then I’m definitely not interested.
Ze Egybitian Man.
Read the post. ‘Nuff said. A lot of Egyptian men are possessive, spoiled, still believe a woman’s place is barefoot in the kitchen, and feel they have to cut you down to size. And lel asaf (unfortunately), with my family, I’d probably be disowned if I brought home a non-Egyptian.
I’ve accomplished a lot.
Not to boast or anything, but I’ve accomplished a lot in my short life thus far, and by that I don’t just mean my degrees. A PhD before I’m 30 isn’t impossible, but then I might as well superglue my butt to the shelf.
And I am very very ambitious and always want to try new things.
I’ve accomplished a lot for a Muslim Egyptian woman. I’ve traveled and lived abroad, and I’ve been exposed to the world at large. Unfortunately, a lot of Egyptian men have internalized the belief that they must, must, must be better than the woman. They must be in control and they must be better than her. Which means I know less than half a dozen (Egyptian) men in my age group who have accomplished more than I have.
Apparently, I’m intimidating and unapproachable.
Clear by the number of honesty box messages I’ve received (“I liked you but didn’t have the guts to tell you,” “I wish I could kiss you” etc) compared to the number of guys who have approached me and told me they liked me. Self confidence when you have a lot to back it up is sadly a turn off. I can be all delicate and coy, but that’s not really me.
I’m not easily impressed.
The things that impress me are not so present in Egyptians in general. Example: reading for the purpose of intellectual growth. I have my own library at home, which once upon a time used to be a dressing room. That’s right. I squished my clothes into a small wardrobe to make space for my books. Stuff like that. To impress me, a guy has got to work hard, and he can’t pull the wool over my eyes.
I lead my own life.
That means I work, have my own funds, have my friends and basically expect to have a life outside of my spouse. Seems like a little thing to ask but you’d be surprised how many Egyptian men expect your life to revolve around theirs. I’m pretty much a woman who doesn’t really ‘need’ protection/ help.
My weight.
My grandma would have you believe this is number one, but I really don’t think so.
My thinking of marriage is not 100% traditional
For example, I don’t want to have kids right away. Maybe two, three, or even four years down the line.
Basically, I’m not a normal Egybitian woman and I haven’t found the right guy for me.
7ad 3ando 3arees? (Anyone have a groom to spare?)
foreign guys all the way
You go girl! I love the fact that being born of this country hasn’t kept you from being independant. This i believe defines a great woman. And i guarantee that u will find ur equal… I did! Just stop looking… He will find you.
you’re asking for waaay, way too much. setting aside the distressing experience you seem to have had with egyptian guys, all of whom sound like shits, all men judge women on their appearances to one extent or another – and you knew this when you veiled didn’t you? of course, you’re under no obligation to tailor your beliefs and appearance to the demands of others, but it’s worth noting that these priorities are important for everyone.
Oh, I know I’m asking for a lot, which is why I’ve more or less resigned myself to a future filled with cats. Likewise that all men judge women based somewhat on appearances, hence the weight loss thing. So I can tell myself I’ve done all I could, mesh me2asara fee 7aga.
wow! It’s getting harder by the minute to find someone who thinks that way!
about the 1st reason ,it’s absolutely true, women in egypt tend to become totally dependant on their husband which-seeing how most marriages nowadays fail- is not a smart thing to do!
as for the last one..I just can’t help but agree with you ,AGAIN,you’re absolutely true, why is it when you hear the word marriage you hear kids!?
Babies are a far more huge responsibility than marriage , one that you should take only when feeling absolutely ready!
I really admire your way of thinking and I hope you’ ll find that right person who’s willing to think* out of the box*!
Sounds like some of your requirements oppose each other, and like you say, you have narrowed the pool down to a tiny number of men.
You might beat the odds and get lucky, but otherwise you’ll have to compromise or stay single.
1) I am sorry, but I am not entirely convinced by your argument. It doesn’t make sense for a man to be looking for financially helpless women to marry. Not in our current global economic situation and job market.
2) You probably didn’t intend it to be so, but the atmosphere of your article seemed a bit defensive
3) Weight lose is important for attracting men. Men like small waist. Biology made it this way because waste circumference is an indicator of a person’s health. Health is an important aspect in bearing children. I tried to resist this reality. But life is cruel and unfair that way.
4) I am 20 yrs old, 5′ 7”. I am over weight (215lbs). It took so much effort at my age to lose 10lbs. I am guessing that you are about 25+ yrs old. It’s better if you start going to the gym right away and build some useful bone and muscle mass. You’ll get healthier, and you’ll feel better.
5) It doesn’t matter how much you way. What’s important is confidence in HOW YOU LOOK; not just what you have achieved. There are plenty of skinny girls out there with just as much achievement.
6) I hope I didn’t offend you, this is just my way of being honest.
1) I would not marry a man who was content to live off his wife/ in-laws money. No backbone, spine, etc. And men who have money usually enjoy having their wives being dependent on them so when they screw up they know the woman is stuck.
2) And?
3) I agree that men like thin women, but I don’t think it’s biology. A 100 years ago fat women were beautiful because it was a sign of wealth. Media is what makes men now want to marry women that look like 12 year old boys.
4 & 5) Thanks for the advice! And no offense taken.
about (3):
I heard on the news (CNN) last November that a research indicated that overweight people are more resistant towards respiratory disease than normal weight counterparts. So.. my argument is, before our modern advancements in Medicine, respiratory disease was a major cause of death back in the day. So 100+ yrs ago overweight women were considered healthy. And yeah, you’re right, they were probably overweight because that was what wealthy people did at that time; but it isn’t unusual at any era that people with more cash can afford better health care.
Just being technical
Ironic how I ran through your post while searching for a suitable European university for my Master insha’Allah, and it’s even Funny that I BELIEVE, I suppose you were honest, that we could be a Perfect match if only it wasn’t for your weight, and if I was several years older.
…don’t get offended, I have nothing against Overweight people but I do sports in a regular basis and I’m fit alhamdulellah, I’ve exerted too much effort to achieve that shape and maintain it, thus I want her to be handling herself the way I did. Fair enough, no?
lol I’m an Egyptian who was brought up in Saudi Arabia, in a Multinational society that was mainly so full of Germans and Brits, and I do care for religion most Alhamdulellah both spiritually and ritually, I guess. I’m doing Mechanical Engineering and moving to France to pursue my Graduate studies there, plus, Dad’s a multimillionaire. And I’m handsome alhamdulellah
But allow me to Advise you, I might be younger, but I sure can; You have no idea how much I Hate it in Egypt, and how I loathe the traditions over here, that have nothing to do with Religion, still that should not make you reject anything that is “Egyptian” just because it Is. Don’t get mentally biased because of the way you feel.
Also, I for one care to personally achieve first what I’m wishing for in a spouse, that is; if I want her Good looking then I shall take care of myself apparently, and that’s the Weight factor
I have another pointer; I love it when girls are confident, and I do respect girls who could achieve a lot in spite of the discouraging society, BUT, Marriage is a merge of two lives into one, One life shared by two individuals, and someone Must take the lead, physiologically, psychologically, AND emotionally, Men are better at it, so even if you don’t believe in God, it’s pure logic, and when your man takes the Lead he is NOT depriving you of your life, he’s simply guiding your life together, you just left the impression that you’re a bit feminist and -simultaneously- I might be leaving the impression that I’m a misogynist, but Pure logic says every process has a leader, and when we get to pick one in Marriage then it’s the man. It’s not that men are superior, it’s just that Men were created for that very purpose, protecting and providing for their family. You think you don’t need protection but you’re wrong, you do, even your Man will need yours, the emotional feminine protection and support is genuine, something we men can’t offer and deliver the same way you girls can. We suck at it.
So umm one final word, we’re not living to Achieve self glory, nor to prove ourselves, but if you’re Muslim then you do know very well that we’re here to Serve, we’re all here to Serve one God, through serving the Ummah, and during these times your biggest aim should be serving the Ummah not prove how skillful you are being a girl/guy.
Good luck finding him you have my best wishes.
Salams sis!
@ Chopsy: You know, when you start a blog like this, sometimes it’s hard to fathom the multitude of strange ways people will stumble across it, what they’ll think of it, and how you’ll come across.
I don’t know you, so I can’t really say anything about what kind of match we could be. Bas one thing—you don’t actually know my age, or my weight
I believe your advice is well-intentioned so I’ll accept it and take it into consideration.
Hate and loath are such strong words. I do admit Egypt frustrates me a lot (ok, most of the time), but I still love it in the way you love that well-intentioned relative ely beydeb kalam zay el sem
You shake your head, try and correct them, and make sure that their talk goes over the head of any impressionable cousins. Ya3ny bel baladi, I love Egypt but don’t accept that this is the way things must be. The intersection of culture and traditions with religion drives me crazy.
Of course tab3an I understand the weight factor, I’m not offended khales and understand that looks are part and parcel of things people look for in a partner. And you’re right, unless you have something, you shouldn’t demand it of a spouse. Vairy fair.
My problem is that I’ve started believing that my search for the guy I want is kind of hopeless, so my motivation for losing weight is almost non-existent. It sounds silly and so anti-feminist to say the only reason I want to lose weight is for a guy, but it’s kind of the truth. I swim often and kickbox so I’m healthy, fit and semi-toned, and I don’t really care about very ‘fashionable’ clothes that are only available in size 6, so my weight (yalla ba2a mahee bayza bayza—is 10kg over my ideal body size) isn’t really a hindering factor in my life.
As for your other point, which, to be honest, needs a3da teweela:
I agree more or less with what you’ve said. I do agree that the guy must “take the lead” in a marriage, but my problem is the definition of leader. A good leader, in my opinion, is one who takes the wishes and considerations of the team’s members, and takes their opinion often. He explains his reasons for a certain decision, and gets their input and advice before making it. If it fails, he doesn’t blame it on them for executing it incorrectly, etc You get the idea.
My problem is not with the fact that “I’m not in charge” in marriage, but with men who enter marriage believing that their wives are subordinates, and that it is their God-given right to get unquestioning obedience. The Prophet (PBUH) used to take his wives’ opinions and wishes into consideration, and didn’t believe they existed solely to take care of his needs, bear his children, and take care of his house—in his eyes they were partners in the marriage. When one of his wives spent a lot of her time doing charity work, his other wife running a business etc, he didn’t tell them that his needs and life should be number one. In fact, I would say that the Prophet PBUH was actually a feminist. You said the word in a derogatory manner, but I believe it’s not a bad thing when applied correctly.
And since of course I believe in God and in the fact that insh’Allah when and if I get married ‘obedience’ in a way is required, I have to be very sure that this guy won’t use the fact I want to be a good Muslim to step all over me (ex, and this does happen: “If I’m not happy, then your actions as a Muslim mean squat since I am not rady“).
I believe there are roles to play in a marriage—men providing for the family and women taking care of the home and children, BUT believe these roles can and must intertwine at times, AND that they’re equally important. The guy’s role is not simply to provide money to his kids we khalas, he must be there to play with them as kids, advise them as teens and give them as much love and attention as he does his job. The woman must make sure her kids are raised properly, but that doesn’t mean her life should be lived solely within the home and she should not have any other interests or activities. If she can manage to work (ex, when they’re at school) and be a great mom, the onus is onto her to make it work.
And if she just wants to stay home and take care of the kids properly in the world we live in today, then the guy must know that what she’s doing is, in some ways, even more worthwhile than what he’s doing. Anyone can work and make money, but not anyone can raise kids that turn out to be good Muslims and human beings. Especially if you’re sacrificing the opportunity to ‘prove yourself’ in the world as a human being, and that the concept of being a housewife is one that never has any worth attached to it—”oh she’s just a housewife.” But here is where the idea comes in of us being here in this world for Allah.
And who said I didn’t want protection, provision and love? Tab3an I do, but not smothering control that masquerades as protection, and jealousy and mistrust that masquerades as ‘love.’
I believe marriage is a mithaq, and those who enter it should not be doing so lightly. Together, you’re starting a family, sharing a home, and bringing in human beings to the world.
We live in a selfish world, and unfortunately many of us are raised thinking our needs are most important, which makes it hard to then share your life with someone else. The age of marriage has increased, which means we have more time to indulge in our self. For those of us who elhamdulela are well off, this means we don’t even do chores and have few responsibilities. I come home from work, my room is made, my food is ready, I come and go as I please, and my decisions are mine to make, as is the way I spend my time. The longer I spend living my life on my own, the harder it will be to get used to thinking of someone else’s needs as well as mine.
So to enter a marriage you have to understand that you both have a responsibility to the other, and it’s about compromise and forgiveness and coexistence. The verse in the Qur’an goes “you [males] are lebas to them [female] and they are lebas to you.” We complete each other. There must be mawada and rahma and respect, because without them a marriage will not work. The ultimate aim should be of course to serve Allah, and if both partners don’t understand this, the nafs, which has gotten so appeased in the world we live in today, will get the better of them.
May we all insh’Allah find our lobsters
Beltawfee’ insh’Allah in your search and path studying for your masters!
Let’s say u found the guy that has more or less the things u aspire for in a man…would you ever take the initiative & tell him or would you wait for him to step fwd & make the move…& by make the move i don’t mean hints & stuff but actually initiating the relationship..keeping in mind u mentioned that some men might hesitate because they might think ur intimidating…
I know culturally it is unacceptable, & a girl should be the queen & all that, but i feel things r different today, I don’t know why but i feel that we have switched roles.. men have become too scared of approaching the girl & the girls r ready to take the initiative but the only thing that might hinder them is what is acceptable & wat is not in the society..
Where did Chopsy learn this sentence “someone has to take the lead” and “men are better at it”. It seems like you are really programmed . I believe a marriage can work well with mutual respect. You are certainly not a good match for this intelligent woman.